Hello again ER!

I am home from the ER once again. The third time in the past month. Braeden has been sick a lot lately and we have no idea what is happening. The past 4-6 months or so he has been having fevers quite regularly. I can pinpoint when he will get his fevers - between the 12th - 15th of every month. This month the fever began on the 16th.

We were hoping and praying that stronger antibiotics had cured what we thought was strep throat. Unfortunately, this may not be the case.

A friend asked me if not knowing what is happening with my child has been hard on my head and heart. My initial response was no, its just frustrating not knowing what is happening. I shrugged it off like it was nothing. Later, when I went home and had time to think about that question, tears welled up and I said to myself: Are you kidding? Of course, it is hard on my head and heart. I pride myself on not knowing how I am really feeling at any moment... Ha! No I don't! That's just a part of myself that wrecks my soul if I don't take time to figure things out.

I realize as a mother with a child who is constantly in need of medical attention that it is soooo incredibly easy to forget to take care of yourself because as a mother or a father we tend to put our kids' needs above our own and secondly, as parents we are rarely asked how we are doing with the situation. I am not putting blame on anyone 'cause I am at fault here too. As people we are conscious of what is immediate and the situation that is directly affecting a person. We seldom consider how a situation affects those indirectly.

These (for me at least) don't help in my awareness of taking care of myself. It just exacerbates the separation of my emotions and mind. Although, all of this sucks and I cannot understand why life is happening the way it is for my son. I am learning a ton about being a medical parent and what it means to always be vigilant in taking care of yourself. And most importantly how taking care of yourself is not just important for you, but to the little boy who needs you when his fever returns.

No. Really?

In a long series of events and circumstances, I literally was made to come back and write on this blog. To be honest, I knew one day this would have to happen.... maybe? Sort of? And hopefully not. It takes times to write these things and now that I'm a mother of two and working it just gets harder to put that time aside and kids are a great excuse for avoiding time consuming things :)

The last 2 by 4 that made me return was a beautiful drawing done by our friend who lives on the other side of the country. I haven't heard from him in a long time. At the university that my husband works at are many talented students who write poetry, play music, paint and draw (go figure 'cause this isn't even an art school!). Anyway, I try and acquire a piece of art from all the artists and this one happened to come in the mail the same week I've been thinking of starting to post. After an already emotional week, my husband opens the envelope, reads the letter and shows me the artwork. 

I burst into tears! My resurfacing begins.